Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
