i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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