I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
