Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
