stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
