just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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