This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
How external is "for external use only"?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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