If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
