The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
