it was like his penis was on wheels.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
