Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
