I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He felt like a one man threesome
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
