Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
