I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
