I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
