I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
