All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
