I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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