i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
