Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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