god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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