I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime