I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
21 Times Karma Showed These People Not to Mess Around
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...