Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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