he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
