Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
