True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
