I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
