yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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