I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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