did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
