the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
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Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
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You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
