I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
