My hand turned me down
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!