I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
