My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
