ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
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