Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
