I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
