Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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