How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
it's great music for shaving your balls
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
