i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
