He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
