I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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