Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
