Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
