genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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