Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
