i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
