I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
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No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
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I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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