just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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