On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
