My sheets look like a crime scene.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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