I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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