He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
