Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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