god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
you are never too drunk for berry picking
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
