I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
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