if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
