I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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