The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
