just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
