The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
