Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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